Monday, November 15, 2010

Take a Walk With Me...

Let me bore you with my past, where I came from. It's where you came from that has made up the person you are today.  You can change your path in life, but the path that's been taken will always be there. It might be overgrown with lost or forgotten memories and you might have to clear your way as you go back, but it will always be there.

I was born as a Reichstein, yes that was my last name.  My biological father's family orginated from Germany or so I have been told.  I was born an Alberta girl, Wainwright.  First 3 months of my life, haven't been there since.

I was born into a mess.  My mother was 16, my father 19.  They were forced to marry.  A baby didn't hold that together.  In three years they were divorced.  My mother is a hard case to handle.  I have never met a person that was so full of hate and blame.  For the next 17 years I grew up with that.  Not a great environment.  But we'll get into that later.

I have two half sisters and two half brothers.  I grew up with one of my sisters.  I have yet to personally meet my other sister and brothers.   I have them on Facebook, but is isn't the same.  After 30 years I came into contact with my biological father.  That was a roller coaster ride in itself.  Antother story in itself.

As kids we (my sister and I) moved many times, my step father was a heavy duty mechanic and my mother likes to follow the money.  From the time I was just a baby, the places I lived, Fort McMurray AB, Pine Point NWT, Big River Sk, Back to Pine Point, Terrace BC, Granisle BC, Tumbler Ridge BC.

I was a somewhat troubled teen, not outright...but sneaky.  I had to, I was imprisoned in my house, under close surveillance.  My mother thought the world was out to harm her children.  Or something along those lines.

At 13, I found love or so I thought.  I do love my husband, married 13 years, together for 18.  He was my ticket out of my own personal hell.  My goal when I graduated high school?  Was to get the hell away from my mother. Again...huge story there!

So at 17, I moved out.  I became pregnant at 19, married at 23.  I did complete a Teacher's Assistant Course, worked 8 years within a school district, group homes and with special needs children.  It wasn't a dream.  I enjoyed the fact that I was helping these wonderful children.  Making the most of their lives, through teaching, loving and just letting them be them.

I didn't really discover who I was until this last year, more so, who I want to be.  I was so busy struggling with inner demons, full of hate and blame, yes following the footprints of my mother.  I wasn't given the chance to discover who I really was, as a child I was protected from the real world.  I never learned how to cope with real life issues.  I am excellent at avoiding something I am not comfortable with. As a teenager, I was allowed to join certain things, but with conditions.  My mom was always coming up with reasons to ground me or keep me in the house.  I think I spent 3/4 of my life grounded.  She was controllling and needed the power of control.  Then I moved onto depending on my husband.  He controlled the money, controlled what I did, always wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with.  That has changed somewhat, he still asks, but most times he gets a look or a 'it's none of your business'.  But it did go on for about 7 years.  Then I left.  I was still weak, my mind anyhow.  I felt that I couldn't accomplish anything on my own.  I was so dependent!  So after 6 months I came back.  Back to a marriage where I wasn't trusted, I was contantly questioned.  Imprisoned within my own walls again.

Nobody knows the secrets that I keep...

Fast forward 9 years.  Where am I?  I am here.  I am creating who I am I.  Who am I?  I am me.  I am creating a business, that with hard work and perserverance, will be successful.  I admit I could have a better marriage, but it takes two to work on a successful marriage.  I have two wonderful kids, a teen and a preteen...god help me!  I know in my mind where I want my life to go and I may end up hurting people along the way.  It could very well be selfishness, so be it.  I believe everyone is entitled to their dreams, to make them come true.  No one has any right getting in the way of anyones dreams and goals. 

I am finding who I really am from within 
I don't intend to change that for anyone.  I have done that for far too long.   

What I have discovered this last year is:
  • speak what's on your mind.
  • be who you really are, even if people don't like it.
  • be opionated, have an opionion, if you don't, then know one will know what you really think.
  • avoid only brings you down.
  • don't stay the way you are, because someone else is comfortable with.
  • get out there, live - I am still working on that one.
  • Make life happen!
So a small glimpse of my life...we all have a trials and tribualtions, we have our angels and demons.  We have our secrets, everyone has secrets.  We have regrets, but those are in the past, and that is where they should stay.  Look forward, move forward, never look back.

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