Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Look Within My Soul

I think everyone has a song that t hey think describes them best.  Mine is 'Outside' by Staind.  It doesn't matter what the song's true meaning is, it's what the song means to you.  The lyrics, they are me.  Inside and out.  I get goosebumps when I hear this song, I try to avoid this song because of what I feel in my soul when I listen to it.  It scares me.  But I love it so.

And you
Can bring me to my knees 
All the times
That I felt insecure

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waste
More time than anyone
All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

Even reading these words, the emotions, the memories of yesterday, today, tomorrow. The bad that I have done, the good that I have done.  The person I have been and the person who I want to be. I have caused people pain, I have been in pain.  My heart and soul has hurt so much that I thought I was going to curl up into invisableness and die.  The pain so deep within me, the darkness that filled the light that wanted to shine through. 

I can display a cool confident person when inside I am still that little girl who hides behind her mommy.  I can give an excellent presentation to dozens of people, when inside I am still in front of my peers in highschool stuttering, sweating and trying not to cry. 

My highlighted section of the song, reaches the deep dark depths of my heart.  When I first heard this song, it was a really low time in my life.  I heard it and just stopped.  I stopped moving, I stopped breathing.  I just stopped...then I cried.  The next day, I went out and bought the cd, went home and listened to it.  Not the music, but the lyrics, the words. 

Every.Single.Word.  Every single word meant something to me.  Emotionally, physically, mentally.  Where I had been , where I was and where I was going.  Although at that time I had no idea where I was going.  I was lost, broken, weak.  Something I swore I would never be again, but at that time that is what I was. 

And I have been struggling ever since.  For 8 years, I have been struggling with my inner demons.  These demons at times win.  They cause me to shut down, draw within myself, close my world off, give into the darkness.  These days the darkness isn't so bad, but it still creeps up on me.  I fight it more now, but it still wins most times. 

I'm not asking you to understand me.  Hell, I don't understand me sometimes.  My family doesn't understand me.  It's okay though.  I don't blame them.  I'm me.  A little crazy.  I'm not complaining though.  I like who I am, who I am becoming.  If you're in my life now, hang on tight if you want to continue my journey, otherwise I'd advise you to let go. 

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