Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bringing my Past Into my Present...

As I mentioned in an earlier post, that last time I seen my real (biological) father, had been when I was 5.  I never seen or heard from him again.  Two years ago, after much back and forth, should I or shouldn't I and and whole heap of what ifs, I decided to contact him.  I would like to share my feelings and thoughts throughout my childhood about my father and where my relationship with him is right now.  Another path, this one grown over, hard to get through, but never forgotten.

I was born to C & K, January 31, 1975.  Both to young to be parents. Married when C was 8 months with me.  In my personal opinion they were not ready for a baby, but then what 16 year old is?  Of course as a baby I don't remember anything.  My mom's version of what came down was completely different  than my father's version.  I have my side that I believe.

C & K split up when I was only two.  I was taken away from my father.  Ripped out of my family home.  From that day on, I was told that K was abusive to my mom.  That he beat her regularly, that he wanted nothing to do with me, that he found another woman and had kids with her.  I never heard from him or  even received a birthday card from him.  This is what I was told from the age of two.  I learned to hate, despised, loathe a man that I didn't even know.  I used to say if I ever seen him, I would want to kill him. 

But I was never really sure how to feel.  My grandmother had kept pictures of me and my dad.  She had a wedding album of C & K.  My mom had gotten rid of most, if not all of the pics of K.  As far back as I could remember, I would sit and look at these pics.  Me smiling, sitting on my daddy's lap.  Him smiling, holding onto his little girl.  There was happiness there, in the first two years of my life.  Security.  Love.  The wedding photos, show a very young bride and groom.  You couldn't even tell C was pregnant.  So tiny.  They smiled on the outside.  On the inside only they know what they were really feeling. 

I was always threatened that if I wasn't good, or if I did something wrong, I would be sent to go live with my real father, the man I hated.  I would cry, beg not to be sent with the horrible person I had developed in my mind.  Abuse, hate, neglect. 

When I hit about 16/17, I really started thinking about who K really was.  Did I want to know this man?  Did I want him part of my life?  The part that hated me so much, too over all the time.  I thought about inviting him to my grad, to my wedding, letting him know about the birth of his first, then second grandchild.  But I never did.  I let life go on, wondering what if.

In 2004, I wrote K a letter.  I asked every question I could think of.  I expressed how I felt, the reason for writing the letter.  I never sent the letter.  I held onto it for about six months.  Then I opened it, read it and burned it.  Burning is symbolism for letting go.  I was ready to let go of any thoughts, bad and good.  Letting go of a person, who was really never part of my life.  Who would never be a part of my life.

Fast Forward four years later.  I thought of K again.  I can't tell you why because I don't know why.  I had a feeling of 'needing to know' overcome me.  So I search him.  I found out his number.  I held onto it for quite awhile.  I dialed it, but never actually called.  I thought about mailing another letter, but wanted to talk to K.  Words on paper mean nothing.  Then I sent him a message on FB.  Good old FB, connecting people everywhere!  I asked him if he was the person I was looking for.  I told him who I was.  We had a few words back and forth.  Then the phone call...

I was going to be strong.  I am strong.  The phone call lasted forever.  I asked every possible question that popped in my mind, all the whys.  K's story so different than what I was brought up with.  He let me go because in his mind he was doing the right thing.  It broke his heart, when he last saw me.  Crying, scared.  He let me go.  He apparently sent me gifts, cards.  None of which I got.  My name was always brought up in their home, I was a part of their home, even though I wasn't there. I have two younger half brothers, and a younger half sister. We have not met, but in the future I hope we do.  The conversation brought light to some topics.  Of course I had my doubts prior to talking with K.  I have known C for all of my life. 

My children, husband and I took a trip to visit K and his wife E.  It was a really nice visit.  We had dinner.  They were so comfortable being around.  I found out some more things.  I really enjoyed being there.  At the end of the visit was the awkward part.  E gave me a hug, but K didn't.  I don't blame him.  I didn't know what I should do either.  In the end I felt that I had filled in an empty part of my life.  A void. 

We exchanged Christmas cards that year.  I talk to K on msn.  They write me, call, email.  To let me know that they are still alive, that I should still be thinking about them.  For them I am thankful. 

As for K, my father, yes I still want to keep in touch with him, but yet again, it's been two years.  So I feel as though I am back at that place where I am asking myself should I?  Shouldn't I?  I guess times and guts will tell.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Take a Walk Down the Path of Hate and Abuse...You can hold my hand if you like...

I'm going to take you on a dark twisted path of emotional and verbal abuse.  There is nothing nice about it and I don't plan on sugar coating it.  The words that weaved emotional destruction as they entered my very being.  It doesn't always take a hand, or a fist to bring you down, words are just as powerful as a slap to the face or a punch to the stomach.  You learn to shut people out and put up walls to protect yourself.  Even if someone gets through, you're waiting on the other side with a new brick to put in place of the one that was removed.  You emotionally shut down and have trouble learning how to cope properly in any hard situation.  So hold my hand...and let me open a door into my past...

My mom always said I was a shy little girl, but I never knew why.  Most things you don't find out until you are older and wiser.  I don't know if I was shy or scared.  I wouldn't say I had an unhealthy upbringing, but I'm sure I could have been an outgoing little girl if given the chance.  Any child that goes through divorce or any kind of uproar to everyday normal life suffers, we may not see it as adults, but they do.  They become needy, withdrawn, afraid, shy.  They panic, get tummy aches, have objects that they hang on to so they can feel secure.  Worst of all, they hold onto every single word their parents tell them, good or bad.

I am pretty sure at the age of three that is what I turned into.  My mom and dad separated, my mom took me away from my dad, the last time I seen him was when I was five.  I cried when he picked me up, not because I didn't know who he was, but because I was afraid of him.  A five year old child afraid of her daddy?  From the time I was little until I actually got the balls to call my dad, all I ever heard was how bad he was.  What he did to my mom, what he did to me.  How my mom got full custody because he was such a bad man.  Little children are so impressionable, I believed every word of it,well into my late twenties.  I hated a man I didn't even know!

I remember bits and pieces growing up, but there are a few things that are crystal clear, like it happened yesterday.  Being told that everything my father gave me, I destroyed because I didn't want anything from him.  My mother yelling, cursing, hating.  Making my stepfather breakdown, asking her two children who where 2 and 7 who they would live with because we were leaving.  Who asks their kids that? 

Being so scared because your mother is calling a little disrespectful son of a bitch that you hide in your room while she is on the other side screaming wildly and then kicks a hole in the door.  The hole is your fault, because you made her so angry. I was 10.

Being threatened with a black rubber strap at every wrong move you make.  Being grounded for not saying the right thing. 

Being call a slut, because you had a boyfriend, who you hadn't even kissed.  I was 12.

Getting excited about a dance, then at the last minute being told you couldn't go because you didn't sweep the floor good enough.

Being told to clean the house, clean it and then get yelled at because it wasn't done right.

I could go on, but I won't, but I will list some everyday words that floated around the house...

Asshole           Son of a Bitch     Mouthy      Disrepectful     Goddamn son of a bitch     

                                         Useless. No Good. Son of a Bitch

I'll stop.  My mother was, is and will always be an angry person.  Everyone is against her.  Everyone hates her. (In her mind).

Once I passed Grade 10, I was accused of thinking that I was better than her because I thought I was smarter than her.  Really?

She threatened to charged my boyfriend with statutory rape!  This is the man I married, but really?  She was going to pay for my college, anything I wanted to do, if I left my boyfriend of 4 years.  Just drop him and do what she wanted. 

In Grade 12, I had finally had enough.  We were hashing it out, she was being her typical hateful self.  She called me a disrespectful little bitch, I told her to get respect you had to give it.  She raised her hand to hit me, I blocked it and punched her in the shoulder.  All hell broke loose then.  She told me I couldn't go to my graduation dance/party.  I told her she couldn't stop me.  She didn't even pay for my grad dress.  Cheap, she was always cheap.  Unless it came to something for her.  My boyfriend/husband paid for my dress. 

She always had the knack to make me feel so small, so...useless.  To second guess myself.  I despised her so much that I didn't have any grad pictures taken with her.  None, and no I don't regret it.  I was aware of how families were, how children should be treated.  I spent as much time with my friends and family as I could.  At least there I could be myself, act myself and most of all have fun. 

I left the morning after my grad.  Packed up gone.  But she still followed, in spirit.  When she found out I was pregnant.  When I got married.  When I met my real father.  And many, many times in between.  - Many more posts.

Today I have mixed feelings for my mother.  Yes, I love her.  If only, because a child should love their parents.  That's all I am really going to say on that subject.  She will never change.  But I can, I did.  I have it in me to be just like her, but I'm not.  I could have raised my children the way I was raised, but I didn't.  She is a phone call away, and I choose not to call her.

I choose not to have negativity in my life. 

I will lead you out of the this tangled path of darkness, a path I never look back on.  The memories are there, but are suppressed in the depths of forever darkness.  The words that molded me, shaped me and made me strong enough to change.

Look Within My Soul

I think everyone has a song that t hey think describes them best.  Mine is 'Outside' by Staind.  It doesn't matter what the song's true meaning is, it's what the song means to you.  The lyrics, they are me.  Inside and out.  I get goosebumps when I hear this song, I try to avoid this song because of what I feel in my soul when I listen to it.  It scares me.  But I love it so.

And you
Can bring me to my knees 
All the times
That I felt insecure

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waste
More time than anyone
All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

Even reading these words, the emotions, the memories of yesterday, today, tomorrow. The bad that I have done, the good that I have done.  The person I have been and the person who I want to be. I have caused people pain, I have been in pain.  My heart and soul has hurt so much that I thought I was going to curl up into invisableness and die.  The pain so deep within me, the darkness that filled the light that wanted to shine through. 

I can display a cool confident person when inside I am still that little girl who hides behind her mommy.  I can give an excellent presentation to dozens of people, when inside I am still in front of my peers in highschool stuttering, sweating and trying not to cry. 

My highlighted section of the song, reaches the deep dark depths of my heart.  When I first heard this song, it was a really low time in my life.  I heard it and just stopped.  I stopped moving, I stopped breathing.  I just stopped...then I cried.  The next day, I went out and bought the cd, went home and listened to it.  Not the music, but the lyrics, the words. 

Every.Single.Word.  Every single word meant something to me.  Emotionally, physically, mentally.  Where I had been , where I was and where I was going.  Although at that time I had no idea where I was going.  I was lost, broken, weak.  Something I swore I would never be again, but at that time that is what I was. 

And I have been struggling ever since.  For 8 years, I have been struggling with my inner demons.  These demons at times win.  They cause me to shut down, draw within myself, close my world off, give into the darkness.  These days the darkness isn't so bad, but it still creeps up on me.  I fight it more now, but it still wins most times. 

I'm not asking you to understand me.  Hell, I don't understand me sometimes.  My family doesn't understand me.  It's okay though.  I don't blame them.  I'm me.  A little crazy.  I'm not complaining though.  I like who I am, who I am becoming.  If you're in my life now, hang on tight if you want to continue my journey, otherwise I'd advise you to let go. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Take a Walk With Me...

Let me bore you with my past, where I came from. It's where you came from that has made up the person you are today.  You can change your path in life, but the path that's been taken will always be there. It might be overgrown with lost or forgotten memories and you might have to clear your way as you go back, but it will always be there.

I was born as a Reichstein, yes that was my last name.  My biological father's family orginated from Germany or so I have been told.  I was born an Alberta girl, Wainwright.  First 3 months of my life, haven't been there since.

I was born into a mess.  My mother was 16, my father 19.  They were forced to marry.  A baby didn't hold that together.  In three years they were divorced.  My mother is a hard case to handle.  I have never met a person that was so full of hate and blame.  For the next 17 years I grew up with that.  Not a great environment.  But we'll get into that later.

I have two half sisters and two half brothers.  I grew up with one of my sisters.  I have yet to personally meet my other sister and brothers.   I have them on Facebook, but is isn't the same.  After 30 years I came into contact with my biological father.  That was a roller coaster ride in itself.  Antother story in itself.

As kids we (my sister and I) moved many times, my step father was a heavy duty mechanic and my mother likes to follow the money.  From the time I was just a baby, the places I lived, Fort McMurray AB, Pine Point NWT, Big River Sk, Back to Pine Point, Terrace BC, Granisle BC, Tumbler Ridge BC.

I was a somewhat troubled teen, not outright...but sneaky.  I had to, I was imprisoned in my house, under close surveillance.  My mother thought the world was out to harm her children.  Or something along those lines.

At 13, I found love or so I thought.  I do love my husband, married 13 years, together for 18.  He was my ticket out of my own personal hell.  My goal when I graduated high school?  Was to get the hell away from my mother. Again...huge story there!

So at 17, I moved out.  I became pregnant at 19, married at 23.  I did complete a Teacher's Assistant Course, worked 8 years within a school district, group homes and with special needs children.  It wasn't a dream.  I enjoyed the fact that I was helping these wonderful children.  Making the most of their lives, through teaching, loving and just letting them be them.

I didn't really discover who I was until this last year, more so, who I want to be.  I was so busy struggling with inner demons, full of hate and blame, yes following the footprints of my mother.  I wasn't given the chance to discover who I really was, as a child I was protected from the real world.  I never learned how to cope with real life issues.  I am excellent at avoiding something I am not comfortable with. As a teenager, I was allowed to join certain things, but with conditions.  My mom was always coming up with reasons to ground me or keep me in the house.  I think I spent 3/4 of my life grounded.  She was controllling and needed the power of control.  Then I moved onto depending on my husband.  He controlled the money, controlled what I did, always wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with.  That has changed somewhat, he still asks, but most times he gets a look or a 'it's none of your business'.  But it did go on for about 7 years.  Then I left.  I was still weak, my mind anyhow.  I felt that I couldn't accomplish anything on my own.  I was so dependent!  So after 6 months I came back.  Back to a marriage where I wasn't trusted, I was contantly questioned.  Imprisoned within my own walls again.

Nobody knows the secrets that I keep...

Fast forward 9 years.  Where am I?  I am here.  I am creating who I am I.  Who am I?  I am me.  I am creating a business, that with hard work and perserverance, will be successful.  I admit I could have a better marriage, but it takes two to work on a successful marriage.  I have two wonderful kids, a teen and a preteen...god help me!  I know in my mind where I want my life to go and I may end up hurting people along the way.  It could very well be selfishness, so be it.  I believe everyone is entitled to their dreams, to make them come true.  No one has any right getting in the way of anyones dreams and goals. 

I am finding who I really am from within 
I don't intend to change that for anyone.  I have done that for far too long.   

What I have discovered this last year is:
  • speak what's on your mind.
  • be who you really are, even if people don't like it.
  • be opionated, have an opionion, if you don't, then know one will know what you really think.
  • avoid only brings you down.
  • don't stay the way you are, because someone else is comfortable with.
  • get out there, live - I am still working on that one.
  • Make life happen!
So a small glimpse of my life...we all have a trials and tribualtions, we have our angels and demons.  We have our secrets, everyone has secrets.  We have regrets, but those are in the past, and that is where they should stay.  Look forward, move forward, never look back.